So it’s been a while…

This time of the year always seems so busy for everyone therefore where you can it is nice to take a break. What do you do in your breaks? I really don’t have very heathy habits in my breaks it’s either me eating or napping and constantly looking at screens. I don’t know what breaks should be made up of but I know that what I do when I am free isn’t good. Surely it’s to relax and not stress to help yourself. Though what we do when relaxing just isn’t good for you. Hmm maybe it should revolve more around relaxing or eating fruit or exercising but then again maybe not. Oh well, just thought I post some content on here to keep it up.

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Triggered

I wish I had the power to let things go, I struggle on a daily basis not to say everything that comes to mind which might seem a brilliant quirk to some but to me it can be just really annoying. But this makes it extremely difficult not to analysis things and have to wonder whether I have offended people, if I say something out of instinct I just cannot seem to let it go. I did one such thing yesterday which triggered a negative mood I couldn’t shake.

When in a meeting a point was raised and I asked if they were to develop on that that they could let me know to which another person in the meeting responded that it’s not finalised so don’t ask. I flipped, had a go at this person trying to justify why I said what I said, this left everything feeling tense and had to leave because I couldn’t deal with it. The trigger of being told not to say something I felt was necessary left me feeling: angry, upset and self doubting. I didn’t know what I had done wrong and the criticism made me react rashly. But if I could have just left it and not responded negatively then, maybe I could have stayed and not made myself feel like others were against me. I shouldn’t have raised my voice or let something so simple trigger me.

I hope that in the future I find the balance between speaking my mind and being polite because it’s got a little out of control. My mental health has gone from anxiety being too scared to say anything but no I’m over coming that I say too much. I guess this reflection is a step in realising and making amends, starting to move forward in my life.

Backing out last minute

Making plans and saying to yourself you will do things and then last minute deciding that it’s a bad idea. I have done this so many times over the years and I still do. While I know now that it is more normal than I originally thought, it’s still a problem that I struggle with often.

Last night my partner and I had planned to go to the cinema, I had got ready and was prepared to go out. However, there was a slight problem and my partner came back later than expected so we had to go a bit later. Before we left he asked ‘do you think this movie is gonna be any good?’ which set me of on all of the anxious thoughts and questions about whether I should go see this movie or not. So with me feeling this way and him not being sure if he wanted to see the movie anymore, we stayed in.

I know I’ve missed so many opportunities and gained to many fears because of letting my anxiety stop me from doing things; backing out last minute from the plans I’ve made. In conclusion, future me remember this and try to do things, see things even if you don’t think they are going to be any good because you never know.

Puppy person comparison

Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong species because while humans are thought to be different to other animals, a ‘higher’ species if you will but we have a lot of relatable qualities with other animal and I think I would prefer to be something like a puppy. There are some features of their life that I would feel like apply to mine and other humans:

  1. We should go out at least once a day for a walk otherwise we will get irritable.
  2. Need to be fed on time or we may just sit in the kitchen talking about how hungry they are.
  3. Needs to be given attention and love.
  4. Shouldn’t be left alone for to long or will become destructive.
  5. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
  6. Sometimes we just need to sit in a corner and settle for a bit.
  7. In a new environment we need to do our rounds and sent the place.
  8. Cuddles and lying next to the person we live with is always a good way to spend our time.
  9. We get over excited about people coming home and the little things in life.
  10. Once you’ve earn our trust we are hard to get rid of.

 

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picture taken from this video

Just thought it was an interesting incite into the similarities between dogs and humans.

An observation of self sabotage

Recently I’ve started noticing something in relationships of those with mental health issues, maybe it’s even just a general thing but there is a tendency for those with insecurities or people who are unhappy to self sabotage. To be it seems that it becomes a habitual thing of every time someone is happy and they feel even a slight thought that they don’t deserve it, that they will try to ruin it. Most people do it completely unintentionally and don’t even realise they are doing it, maybe it’s just human nature or maybe ‘normal’ sane people don’t do it. However, I see it often enough for one to assume that it happens to most people.

I find that it happens often because people don’t feel that they are deserving of what ever happiness they are feeling or even of the person providing this happy feeling. I’ve noticed a good few people that are closest to myself doing it, especially in relationships. It becomes somewhat a feeling of this is going well so why am I questioning it or looking for a way out sometimes even leading to feelings for others as a way of saying I don’t deserve this person maybe I’d be better suited being single and able to be with others.

It seems so irrational to me that one should feel this way but it is a very common thing to feel. I have a friend that once described themselves as destructive when they are on a low and don’t know why, this makes a lot of sense with the feeling I am observing in this post. But the only thing I can say in response to this feeling is: it’s irrational, KEEP FIGHTING it and you are worthy of all the happiness you encounter.

Dying my hair orange

  1. Strip out left over colour with either vitamin C powder and washing up liquid or for more stubborn colours bleach powder and washing up liquid. Leaving this on for an hour before rinsing out.
  2. Cover hair in coconut oil as a conditioning treatment and to prevent damage from further steps.
  3. Lighten hair so it is all a pale blonde, with my previously blonde hair I just bleached the roots with 20 volume developer and left it on for 20minutes and then washed it out.
  4. With my damp freshly blonde hair I then proceeded to use directions ‘mandarin’ with conditioner to dye my hair mixed with a little ‘flame’ (name of hair dye).
  5. Cover so it stays warm and moist then leave for as long as you wish, the more time you leave it the more vibrant it will be. Then rinse out with cold water.
Link to the video I made on this: How I got orange hair

Gingerbread cupcakes

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Here’s picture of my late night baking session, it’s a wintery treat. After watching a lot of youtube videos today that are seeming to prepare for spring or going away for spring break, I thought I’d bake something to warm myself up. It still so cold in the UK and spring seems along way off so I made these wintery charms to tide me over.

The recipe I used:

(I don’t have any scales or measuring cups so just used a mug #studentlife)

  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 (or 2, which I did because I was trying to use them up) eggs
  • 1/2 cup milk (I used water instead because I’ve run out of milk)
  • 1 1/3 cups flour
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/2 tsp ginger
  • sprinkle of all spice
bake for 20 minutes at 180’c in cupcake liners (to save washing pans)

God as creator

Today I was approached after having talked about my faith openly in a group with a question so what about the big bang? I responded with “what about it? I believe it happened” science is not the opposite of religion and that’s something not many people understand. Science discovers new things and develops theories all the time, it doesn’t mean that Christians can’t except new scientific truths if they weren’t written in the bible. The bible was written by humans inspired by God till recently humans couldn’t begin to comprehend the idea of the big bang theory so how would they have written about it back when Genesis was first put in to words.

The reality today is that very few Christians are die hard creationist that think science is the devils work. Now Christians can see the bible as what it is: a work merely inspired by God and the things that happened in there time. As for the ideas of evolution and the ice age it’s not like dinosaurs or apes were asked to write down things that were going on, plus in translation “rawr rawr rawr” might get lost a little when being past down in stories. Many ideas may have been loss or not included in what we read today.

A way of thinking of God creating the world is like an artist painting a picture, starting with basic sketches, being worked on a developed over time layers and layers building up and as most artist know it’s hard to not want to keep tweaking. When looking at some of the intricacies of the world and it’s design it would be hard to think it just happened over night, even for someone all powerful.

What’s wrong? I don’t know

Sometimes I cry for no reason. When people ask what’s wrong often what they mean what’s cause this? Or has something happened? This is often not confused or miscommunicated rather simply it is just assumed that you know why you’re crying. Most of the time there is a trigger to it but equally people don’t have to know why they are crying. It doesn’t have to be triggered by anything sometimes you just cry because you are sad and this can be at anytime even if you are enjoying your surroundings. So when someone responds with I don’t know it should be an answer to your question. They don’t know why they are upset, they just are. Also they could be upset because of everything and don’t know how to explain just being sad because you’re overwhelmed or life is just getting on top of them. Don’t pester or ask if they want to talk about it if they have already answered with I don’t know, just be there to comfort, not to talk.