Self harm

I have been clean for 4 years now, give or take a few slip ups and most of my scars have healed to the point where they are barely visible. But every time I get really low the thought is still there, I don’t think it will ever go away. I still frequently have suicidal thoughts but I’m on the right track to continue with my life and am growing in strength slowly. The thing is although I don’t cut anymore I still have ways that when I am low that I harm myself, whether it be not eating or scratching myself even though there is no itch. So I suppose I’m not completely clean, just I don’t cut anymore.

I thought I would share my story of how I stopped to be honest I had no intention of stopping because at the time I felt it help me feel a little better and it was an addiction. When new years resolutions come around I’m always terrible at figuring mine out so I ask other people. Back when I was self harming no one really knew because I covered them up with fingerless gloves and long sleeves much to my teachers dismay but enough of them realised that telling me to take them off wouldn’t help. But my boyfriend at the time did, I remember the moment so clearly in my head when he set me my new years resolution that year.

We were watching a movie in English because it was coming to the end of the term nearing the Christmas holidays and teachers can never be bothered to teach then. I asked him what for new years it should be, he sat next to me so it was easy to talk without disturbing the class. All he did was gesture to my wrist and I looked at him with confusion. He rolled up my sleeve and pulled down my glove and gave me a look of sadness, disappointment and a little anger. I realised how much my self harm was effecting him and our relationship so I stopped. I am not dating him anymore and we did end for similar reasons to do with my issues but that was a little later.

I didn’t stop because of him I did it for myself but I did need that push in the beginning. My mum later found out when she caught me without my gloves and she supported me through it though not in the most helpful way but it worked. She didn’t understand why I did it and got angry so took away all the sharp things she wouldn’t even allow me scissors for art. But I know she was helping in her own way. Though my mum and our relationship is a whole other post. I just felt at this time where I am thinking about it again was a good time to share my story.

Think before you have sex

I know the title is an obvious statement but it something that has come to my attention recently. Usually my advise with it has nothing particularly to do with emotion but I’ve now come to realise that it’s an important part and something that is a necessary to be thought about. My opinion on sex is that while I’m okay with people having casual sex, people do it and can cope with it but there are practicalities you need to think about. The way I see it is that if you have sex with someone you should at least like them or know them enough so that if pregnancy occurs you can deal with it together. Because no matter how careful you are with contraception it could still happen. This is the way I used to look at it at least.

However, recent events in my life made me realise that emotions do come into sex and if you have sex with someone who might just turn around after a week and say they’re not ready it can leave you feeling confused what it meant. I think you kinda need to be sure you are on the same page before you do it. So think about it and make sure the person you have sex with wants what you want out of it. Otherwise it turns out to be a confused emotional mess. So if you want a relationship make sure they do too and if you want it to be casual don’t pretend it could be anything more.

Staying in bed and wallowing is a valid option

We all have those days where we just want to stay in bed and forget the world, I’m here to say that’s a perfectly valid thing. It seems like the world expects you to always be fine and never need days where you wallow. Sure it’s not the best option to take but when the world becomes too much it necessary to take a step back. At the end of the day it’s your life and as much as sometimes you have to do things, unless you are happy and able to function it’s not worth it. Your life should be about you and if you need to take a day just to cry then do it. Most of the time people are pretty understanding if you cancel or are late for a deadline, as long as you let them know and give them a reason. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve worried so much about missing something because of depression and when I explain it to the person I missed something with they are usually a lot more understanding than you expect.

Bi girl problems

I’ve been out for about 5 or 6 years as bisexual and still yet to have a proper relationship with a girl, this isn’t through lack of trying. However, it seems that girls just don’t like me I don’t know why but for me it’s so much easier to find a guy to date than a girl. Sometimes there will be points where I think I just want to be with a girl and whenever I’m single it’s something that I’d prefer, I don’t find guys attractive really but as it goes girls don’t approach me in a romantic way. The lack of affections gets to me and I always end up caving to go for a guy because I want companionship. In all the relationships I’ve had with guys it seems so obvious to me that I am a lesbian with a boyfriend and that I date guys for their personality not for any physical attraction.

   Lesbian[Not my images not copyright intended]

I wonder if I acted ‘more like a lesbian’ would girls be more likely to approach me or find me attractive. Why do people assume that to be gay I need to:

  • have short hair
  • wear flannel shirts
  • never wear dresses or skirts
  • drink beer

it baffles me that in this day an age where gay marriage is legal that there is so much stereotyping that goes on in my own sexual orientation.

I dyed my hair purple!

Purple hair video

It the first time in a long time it has been all one colour. I dye my hair often because it’s something that makes me happy and I can control. It is something I do when I’m sad and it’s been proven to help people to feel better. It’s a common misconception that people dye their hair for attention, sure sometime it is but I know a lot of people who do it for a lot of different reasons. I don’t do it for attention I do it because it helps me feel more comfortable in myself. I also like to know I won’t get lost in a crowed which is something that scares me a lot given my anxiety. I spend enough time on my own for it not to matter about negative comments but the occasional complement is nice. I honestly don’t know if I could ever go back to normal hair colours.

Don’t live with your partner too young!

WIN_20151107_195502

I am currently living with my boyfriend and I’m 19 I know for some people this works out fine, I mean we’ve been together long enough that it would take something massive to brake us up. But sometime when you’re this young and your partner has only just moved out of home, where they have everything done for them, it is a bad idea. I have been at university a year and before that I lived at home with my mum and siblings so I’m still fairly new to living on my own but I have a lot more experience at running my own household. I know how to cook and clean and use a washing machine but just because I know how to do it doesn’t mean I should have to.

My boyfriend and I decided about a year ago we wanted to live together eventually and that it would be nice to be around each other most of the time. So although I was at uni and he was still back home we kept our relationship going, he (being a year younger) applied to my uni and after a year of long distance summer came. We stayed at his mum’s over summer and that was good. When he got his results and found out he didn’t get in it did discourage us we were still going to live together. He decided he would just move up to here with me and get a job.

Now after a year of waiting we live together, it’s been about two months in our flat and I’m getting the feeling this was a bad idea. He has just got a job (yay finally!) but in the past two months the only house work he’s done is the occasional load of laundry. So while I’m the one that’s in lectures and classes all day, I still have to do the cooking, cleaning, washing up and look after him. I hope now that he has less time doing nothing he’ll also be more active to help keep things in order.

When depression and anxiety keep you from doing work

I am someone who struggles pretty badly from depression and anxiety (as well as a few other issues with my mental health) and sometimes I find it gets so bad that I have trouble functioning in day to day life. Which means when it comes to things that even ‘normal’ people struggle with it’s worse. Deadlines and piles of work are nobody’s friend but when you are going through a low cause by depression it seems impossible to meet expectations. I often find it prevents me doing my work. Most of the time I just can’t do it on a low point so I start at earlier when things are going okay. This time starting earlier didn’t help and I’m stuck in a rut where I just feel that no matter how hard I try there is a block in between me and completion. I know I’m not alone in this but I just wish it was easier… Advise would be appreciated

Going to a party and sitting alone

People often say with anxiety it’s having the courage to say yes is the hardest part and that when you get there you’ll realise it’s not that bad. I disagree. This Halloween (2015) I went to a party and while it was with people I knew it didn’t stop me feeling nervous about going. Once I had worked up the courage to go, and believe me it was a lot of work, I thought the difficulty was over. I mean a lot of the time I worry about something that never turns out to be as bad as I thought. This party was something that while I worried about it, I wanted to go and I pushed myself to do. However, with anxiety it’s not always an irrational worry especially when it comes to social situations. I got to the party and for the first couple hours it was okay but then more and more people kept arriving and there was more and more pressure to keep drinking. I ended up fleeing upstairs to a quieter place where I could breathe and panic alone. The truth is sometimes I think I’m just not the type of person that enjoys parties but then again it’s probably just the amount of people I don’t enjoy. Why can’t parties just be hanging out with friends with music, snacks and maybe cake? Why does it have to involve getting drunk or having loads of people there that you would never normally talk to? What I learnt from  the night was that sitting in a room by myself panicking was something I would rather do at home than someone else’s, so maybe parties are for me. I know I shouldn’t stop trying to be social though.